There Is A Light That Never Goes Out
On gifted kid burnout, eldest-daughter syndrome, and being forced to mature at too early an age. (The title is from a The Smiths song.)
[Disclaimer: All views represented are mine and mine only, and do not represent the opinions of any organisations or people I may be affiliated with.]
Thank you Arley for beta-reading and leaving your input! Love you <3
The term “eldest-daughter syndrome” has made its rounds around the Internet of late, with many — especially Asian girls — resonating with it. On TikTok, the hashtag #EldestDaughterSyndrome continues to rack in millions of views, with many people around the world speaking out about their experiences.
Specifically, eldest-daughter syndrome refers to the emotional burden that many eldest children tend to take on at a young age, having to care for their family members in their parents’ absence. Tasks for eldest daughters can range from helping to prepare food, teach their siblings, or even go grocery shopping for the family, making their physical and emotional burden extremely palpable. Day in, day out, eldest children have a moral obligation to give back to the family in ways they shouldn’t have to — and this takes a toll on their mental health. A study by the Centre for Disease Control and Prevention showed that 57% of high-school aged girls experienced “feelings of deep sadness or hopelessness” in 2023, and 30% of respondents even contemplated committing suicide.
Such a syndrome also prompts eldest children to alienate themselves from their families when they experience their first taste of freedom. Having had too much of a burden imposed upon them, eldest daughters tend to disassociate themselves from their families extremely early in life, returning only to fulfill their obligation of, once again, caretaking, or helping out in the family. Ricardo Ruiz’s poem Life of the Eldest Girl puts it far better than I ever could: “I found a solution at sixteen: / somebody showed me love / and I decided to go / I left in the night / and got married.” To many eldest children, there is no long-term solution — their plight feels hopeless, helpless, and endless. Think 100k slowburn fic, except spread over the course of 18 years. I know, right?
Another phrase, “gifted-kid burnout”, has surfaced more and more recently, particularly in Asian households. This phrase is commonly used by teenagers who were labelled “academically gifted” at an extremely young age, and, as they move through the rungs of the education system, begin to struggle, lose motivation, and lapse into mental health difficulties.
A common trend of late is that “eldest-daughter syndrome” and “gifted-kid burnout” often come in tandem, with many eldest-daughters shedding light on the immense academic and familial pressures they faced growing up. As a former “gifted” child myself, and the eldest daughter in my family, I began to ponder why such a trend exists — and in doing so, did a deep dive on the history and usage of both terms. At some point, the correlation between both phenomena became clear, and that’s why I’m here writing this article today!
Before we begin, here’s a Spotify playlist that could complement your reading:
Alright, we move on.
The crux of the matter lies in the expectations piled onto eldest daughters since — well, birth, actually. It’s very important to consider that these terms have only come to light of late, in a society where women are now more empowered than ever to hold high-flying positions, and even just get jobs outside of the household context. Societal context comes into play when we remind ourselves that, despite such a paradigm shift in the role of women in society, their perceived position is still deeply entrenched in our societal structure. In many societies, women still hold the main role of caretaking, and this is evident from the way housewives are far more prominent in number than househusbands. The traditional role of women in the household still underscores the core scaffolds of society, which also serves as an explanation of the gender wage gap that we see in many countries today.
This enabling and empowerment of women has created many dual-income households across the planet, where mothers and fathers alike are breadwinners of the family. But what about their children, in that case? This is where the role of the eldest daughter comes into play. Fulfilling her role as a “girl” — caretaker, caregiver, tuition teacher, chef, and so much more — comes in addition to the already Sisyphean task of being a full-time student. This is tantamount to working two jobs, in addition to class, and taking into account the fact that these girls are minors, there’s no way such activity can or should be condoned. It’s the equivalent of free, unpaid child labour.
Considering the context that most “gifted burnout children” blossom in, underlying societal issues also come to light. Many of these “gifted” children grew up in one of the three following scenarios: 1) Middle-high socio-economic status (SES) families, 2) Immigrant families, or 3) Families that built a wealth and a name for themselves. In such families, both parents usually work full-time jobs, leaving the children not only to fend for themselves, but also to deal with the increasing burden of academic excellence. So the stress they faced to be overachievers and succeed in everything they do came from one of the three sources (the number corresponds to the scenario):
Their entire lives are already planned out for them. With parents who could afford extra resources, they felt obligated to do well in all their pursuits. After-school tuition classes were no stranger to their schedules since a young age, with (in the Singaporean context) brain-training lessons, Kumon, and even external enrichment classes such as dance, art, and music being imparted into their daily lives. Yet, even in their hobbies they found a need to succeed — your parents already paid so much, you can’t drop it now, must do until grade 8, no, get a diploma — this mindset begins to permeate into their everyday lives, creating a desire to be the best in everything, which is unhealthy, but ultimately, not really their fault. It’s also important to add that the SES of such families creates a safety net for such “gifted” children, allowing them multiple opportunities to get up and try again, or, letting them taste success so often (not hard, you just have to overprepare and micromanage your kids, depriving them of a childhood) that they have never failed at all. So when these children experience failure, it hits them like a ten-ton brick, making it hard for them to swallow and forcing them to hit rock bottom. Hence, they believe they are inadequate, and they won’t want to try anything, because they don’t want to fail.
Children from immigrant families are also more likely to develop gifted-kid burnout tendencies. While this is not an overarching statement, first-generation children generally feel the need to excel, pushing themselves extremely hard owing to the mindset that their parents had sacrificed so much (both in money and in kind) to get them to a new country, so there is a moral obligation for them to achieve excellence in every aspect of their lives. While we can all understand and resonate with this sentiment, the mental and physical toll it takes on youths is so large that it can serve as a major source of stress. In some families, there is also a fair amount of guilt-tripping and gaslighting present — “I’ve done so much to get you here, don’t be ungrateful,” — which not only reduces these children to their academic abilities and achievements, but also hardens the blow of failure. Motivation is thus harder to muster, and so is getting up after failing.
The final demographic of gifted burnout children are those who come from “third-world to first” families, or, families that started out poor or middle-class, but are now relatively well-to-do. This is a frequently overlooked but significant group, as the mindsets that their parents perpetuate are a key reason why they quantify their self-worth by their achievements, and are also why such children feel the pressure to excel. After all, it is only natural that given their starting ground, they should be able to do more, do better, than their parents before them. But times have changed, and the ever-evolving educational landscape teens are subject to means that sometimes, they just have to settle for less, sometimes, they can’t be the picture-perfect child, and sometimes, their parents should support them more in whatever they want to do instead of pushing the “A for Asian” stereotype on them. Yet, such a mindset runs rampant in modern society, with children falling into burnout once they find themselves being unable to stay on top of the workload of school life, coupled with their many extracurriculars and commitments. Regardless of whether such thoughts are inflicted by others or internalised, it’s simply unrealistic to expect a child to be a perfect all-rounder, and it’s the pressure of having to live up to unrealistic expectations that prompts children to give up before they even try. After all, why waste energy on something that’ll never happen?
As an ex-gifted burnout kid (I have my life together… I think), and a constant sufferer of eldest-daughter syndrome, I know the feeling of giving and giving all too well. I’d liken burnout to a puddle of water in the pouring rain. The water molecules are so eager and so keen to evaporate, but just as they do, an influx of new water, new pain reopens the wounds of their past. Eldest daughters are just like this; they can never have the time or place to fully heal, because they are exposed to the very environment that hurts them every day. And in these circumstances — because we, too, are sentient and we, too, have a heart — eldest daughters give, and give, endlessly, expecting naught from the people around them. This happenstance is something many turn a blind eye to, thinking that it’s a responsibility that children must bear, their filial repayment to their parents for raising them, but in truth, the responsibility lies on the parents to ensure their children grow up well. Children are not free manpower, nor should they be, and forcing them to mature so quickly not only deprives them of the childhood they deserve (they’re kids!!!) but also creates so much emotional stress and pain for them.
And to any adults, parents, or soon-to-be ones reading this, your child is a privilege, not a right, and the conscious decision to have a child comes with the responsibility of caretaking. Unless we, as a society, progress past the mindset that a sibling is a caretaker, and the idea that children must be what we want them to be, generations of eldest daughters will continue to be affected by the toxic ideology they have long grown accustomed to. There is no sure-fire method of working towards a stress-free life for youths, simply because there is no stress-free life for youths, but we can try. We can try to make their lives that little bit easier, that little bit merrier, and be that little bit more understanding of their plight. We can take the load off of our daughters’ shoulders, so that they can play fearlessly and shine beautifully, the same way their compatriots do. We can help redefine success beyond achievement, and tell our children that we will love them unconditionally. We can be there for them, instead of alienating ourselves from them, and be their rock when times get tough. That way, maybe they will open their hearts a little more, maybe their laughter will resound throughout the halls of their home, and maybe they will learn to love again.
Until then, we can only hold onto hope, and let our tears be the thread of tomorrow’s tapestry. Perhaps one day the world will change for the better, but for now, us daughters must continue to shoulder the burden of care, and continue to remain strong. We are all here for each other, and we can take solace in the fact that come what may, that will never change.
AMAZINGLY WRITTEN